sirs_cub

04:51 pm: Life is just one rollercoaster after another.
Hey there,
this is i think the second time i have written anything to this thing. well three if you count the time it wiped out what i had written.

right now it is over a week since i could not feel my right leg... this is something that i have been going over and over in my head... all the times i have been in the hospital in the last two years... with heart stuff... now with this useless leg and numbness... am i a hypocondriac???? sometimes i wonder... the shrink in the hospital told me that it would be hard to 'make' my leg go numb and useless... still makes me wonder... i keep thinking that i should go to a therapist that deals with this health stuff... then that even sounds like some kind of hypocondriac kind of trick?? i have spent this last week second guessing myself. i am soooo over being sick.

what i dont undertstand is why is it when i am the happiest that i can remember being i have to get this... I DONT WANT IT... God/Great Spirit please make this one go away...

07:22 pm: updated journal
well ... just spent an hour WRITING IN THIS THING... and i hit some button and it ALL WENT AWAY...
guess that means what i put there is done... and over with LOL

11:20 pm: Tomarrow is the day....
Wed. i get to find out if i have a brain tumor and what kind and what is going to happen from here. i dont know whether to be mad... scared... frustrated... all three... there will be a relief soon... and this will be over one way or another... if the news is bad... do i want to do the treatment that may or may not work... do i really want to get any worse then i seem to be doing now... sometimes i think about what the options are... and i guess there are a couple... and i will see which one i take when and if i find out bad news... at the same time there could be good news and i can have my life back. this is the only thing that has kept me going.

going to the beach with Reed next weekend. this weekend Saish is coming to visit.

i just want to have this period over and done with...

09:24 am: days turn to weeks
here i am again waiting to deal with emotions that i dont know how. i want to run and hide and not deal. sometimes i get so scared of things that i wish that people would just go away and not want anything to do with me. guess that is not going to happen now that SWL has started. i am so excited about SWL sometimes that it is like something that has taken on a life of its own and me and lancer are just there to send emails to ppl to get them to come to the meetings. we just had the first meeting last night and it was excellent.

Angi reminds me once in a while that i am not her primary. i guess sometimes my actions show that i am feeling that i want that. what i want though is what we have. a commitment to spend time together and have a good time. i dont feel like i can offer anyone a relationship because of what i am still dealing with. feeling to committed right now would just make me run from Angi and this has been comfy so far, what we have.

that is all for now